The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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