It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
