My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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