Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
