I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
