Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
