what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
