pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
