She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
