He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
