If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
