Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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