I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
