I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
