please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
