Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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