So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.