I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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