The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll