my sisters under your porch take her home
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
