I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
