there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
