I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
