I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
