I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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