Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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