Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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