why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
