does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
