Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a hot homeless man
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
