I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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