i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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