Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
