Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
