allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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