My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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