I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What a dumb baby whore.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
