sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
did i just pee glitter
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
