The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
