I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
