The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
