24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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