and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
