You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
