this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
