Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
