My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
