My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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