I will die if light touches me.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
