If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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