I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
