Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
