1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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