no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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