Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
