i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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