either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
