That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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