finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
