I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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