you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
