I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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