I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
