sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
