I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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