Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
